i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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