Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
