if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
