Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
