Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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