You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Too much gin, very little bucket
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
