no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
