i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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