I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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