My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
