Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
