We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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