Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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