I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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