i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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