the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
