I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
