i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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