i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Two words: blizzard sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
