kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
