hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
