I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
