You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
