So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
