my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
