Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
