this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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