well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
