Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
