Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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