She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
