If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
