My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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