her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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