there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
