guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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