I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
