drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck me I smell like cheese
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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