Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
