btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
