I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
