at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
