So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
