So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
