I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
