My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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