Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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