You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
