even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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