so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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